Breakups, Natalie says, can follow the same trajectory as grieving. Grieving usually falls into around seven stages — those being shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression and then finally, acceptance — although it does look different for everyone. Similarly, no two people handle a breakup in the same way.
The bargaining stage is where many on-again-off-again couples fall into a loop. And let me tell you, I know a thing or two about bargaining. You betcha. Similarly, many elderly people take a more relaxed view about death than younger people — they have often lost several loved ones and have had to find closure in doing so. The need for closure exists on a scale — with some more prone to seek it than others.
Some people even have a desire to avoid closure at all cost. Vagueness has its advantages, as soon as you have established exactly what happened, you are also subject to criticism — from yourself and others. But even among people with a similar need for closure, what may be a satisfactory answer to one person will not be sufficient for another.
When we are under stress for example, our need for closure increases. Research indicates that certain types of personalities are different in the ways they approach closure.
One study found that people who prefer order and predictability — having a more rigid way of thinking and a low tolerance for ambiguity — struggle when they are unable to find the answers to help them move on.
In contrast, people who are more open minded, creative and comfortable with ambiguity are better able to cope with not achieving closure.
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I tried to have a closure talk with my ex-boyfriend. While we were together, near the end of our relationship, I know he was cheating on me. When he wanted to end it, I know it is because he wanted to start seeing the girl that he was cheating on me with. I told him that we should have a closure talk.
From the beginning to the middle of the talk, I knew he was lying to me from what he said and the answers to my questions. I knew he was lying and I did not want to hear anymore of his lies. I did not get any closure from that relationship because he did not have the guts and maturity to tell me the truth.
Guys like just do not want to take responsibility for their actions. They just want the woman to feel guilty that it was something they did and the guy did absolutely nothing when they did everything. For them to lie like that, even when the relationship is over, is very selfish and immature of them. It is so easy to just remember the good times. It is so important to remember that we are young and although it hurts now, it will get us where we need to be and with who we need to be with.
After a particularly bad breakup last year , my friends had strong opinions on whether I should reach out to my ex-partner and ask him why he left. There were those who empathised with my need to have my questions answered, yet still advised me to block him and move on.
However, there were others who, like myself, believed that talking things through could help me heal. Relationship therapist Stephanie Ambrosius sits in the latter camp. Anything like a break-up or a redundancy or a bereavement can start that process because we plan so much.
We think we know where we stand in our narrative but as soon as it changes, it throws us off balance. Ambrosius recommends speaking face-to-face unless the relationship has been violent or toxic.
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